The Unicorn

By Anthony Dominguez

Despite my harrowing Vegas trip the previous month, I decided to go with DB3 to see Chris Rock live at Caesar’s Palace. DB3 had never been to Vegas, so it was my job to get him drunk, lose his money and have him wake up next to a tranny with no memory and pain in places he’s never felt. I made good on two of those, you guess which ones. We went, we saw, we laughed, and we then partied till it was time to drive our drunk asses back to Los Angeles, I got 4 hours sleep in 4 days.

I started the night at Red Corner, my favorite bar in Vegas, it’s a Vodka bar, go figure. We hit the craps tables, I won big, DB3 lost big, we ate, ate, drank, saw some casinos, drank, played craps, drank and saw some more casinos. After rocking the strip for several hours our first night, we called it, slept for an hour or so and started round two.

We drank, ate, drank, played craps, played craps, went from casino to casino and drank some more. Then we hit the clubs, DB3 has a particular system, I call it pea cocking, look it up. His system works well in certain settings, so we chose to hole up in Toby Keith’s bar/nightclub in Harrah’s, yeah, it’s a country bar, I know. It was awesome, the bartenders are all competition bartenders, meaning they all do stunts while mixing drinks, they are all hot, fun, and play numerous games with the customers. Not to mention one of the bartenders was a picture perfect double for my first girlfriend, and consequently the first woman I ever feel in love with, she mesmerized me for a good hour or two. If I didn’t know th ‘k-2-tha-m’ was married, with 4 kids living in a small town next to the portal to hell, I woulda sworn it was her.

Fast forward a few hours, we post ourselves at the end of the bar, backs to the dance floor and band, THE BEST PLACE in the entire bar! Every hot gurl in the bar without a man, chose our little spot to squeeze in and get their drink orders, we of course were very accommodating. As each sexy gurl came by, we made small talk, DB3 was getting hit on left and right, I was playing it cool, waiting for the weak antelope. Instead of the weak antelope, a Unicorn squeezed in. (Unicorn- a mythical creature, rarely seen, and almost impossible to capture, let alone F23K.) This unicorn was spectacularly beautiful. She fit into my dream gurl category, and into DB3′s as well, ‘The Unicorn’, stuck her horn in and we both instantly made room, she and her ‘grandmother’ started talking to DB3, I knew that there was no way I could even look in her direction, there was nothing I could say that wouldn’t come out as a cock block on DB3, so I just drank my beer and stared straight ahead like a statue. Even Hello, would have come out wrong, nothing could have hidden my desire to capture this unicorn. Minutes pass, I’m staring straight ahead, I hear bits of the conversation, I refuse to look over, to even risk opening my mouth wider than is required to take a sip. As the minutes pass, I feel ‘the unicorn’ nudging my side, softly at first, then gradually harder, I ignore it, a little harder, I ignore it. Finally ‘The Unicorn’ grabs my shoulders spins me around and says “Who the hell are you?” Yes, unicorns can talk. I look over her shoulder at DB3, who is being hit on by ‘grandma’, All I hear her say is “My ex husband is black.” Then she smiles real big and just stares at DB3. I swallow hard, “Anthony Dominguez.” Followed by, a much louder, “Have you met my friend DB3?” ‘The Unicorn’, whips her mane, smiles and replies, “Yeah.” Without missing a beat, “So tell me about you.” I look over ‘The Unicorns’ shoulder, DB3 give’s me the ‘okay, you tried, I failed, go for it bro’ look. I love that man. Fast forward again, me and the unicorn are hitting it off, I’m sitting there looking into her eyes, thinking “If I had a shot, I think I could make something happen with this unicorn.” I don’t mean just get laid, I felt the kind of connection I’ve only felt a few times in my life, and each time something beautiful has happened. I was in awe. After a little while, ‘The Unicorn’ had to leave, time to graze, stretch her legs, maybe she was looking for her unicorn. DB3 says when she left me, she didn’t take her eyes off of me the whole time, until she cam back over a few hours later, who says guys can’t play hard to get?

The night is still young, me and ‘The Unicorn’ are felling good, not too drunk, just good. We start to talk again, we connect well, the touching starts, if you’ve never been touched by a unicorn, I highly recommend it. The touching is getting healthy, certain body parts are grazed, ever so slightly, I’m dying here. I can see good things happening in the next 20 minutes or so. Then it happens, the god’s do not approve of mere mortals defiling their unicorns. They struck with such might and fury; I never knew what hit me.
‘The Unicorns’ friend comes over, tells her their other friend passed out face first in the restroom. She hit the tile face first, after somebody; a good samaritan heard her gurgling in the toilet stall. Yes, she had passed out face first into the toilet while trying to vomit; she was drowning in the toiled at Harrah’s of all places. Could you imagine if she had died that way? The story they would have to tell her family, that she died in a toilet, at Harrah’s, not even the Rio, I mean the Venetian would be a little prestigious at least.  Back to my story, after being pulled out of the toilet, and escaping death once, she took several steps and went face first into the tile, no hands, 10 point landing! Plow! Security was called, a wheel chair was brought in and they wanted to escort her off the property for being too drunk. My heart sank, cock blocked by the gods! ‘The Unicorn’ came back over, relayed the tale to me, said she had to go. There was no chance of hooking up later, it was over, my dream of capturing and defiling my very own unicorn was destroyed. I kept up hope, I tried to see about the next night, sadly they were leaving when the sun came up. I said goodbye, hastily gave her my card as she was arguing with hotel security, then went to set a trap for the weak antelope.
Remember how I said I felt a connection, well, I couldn’t get her off of my mind for several days, so I did a little Sherlock Holmes or stalking, and found her work address. During the conversation, her friends had told us they all worked together, and where. After a little narrowing down, I found it, decided my best course of action was to send flowers, be a little romantic, hopefully not appear to stalkerish. I ordered a nice flower arrangement, stayed away from the cliché, put a nice poem on the card, my phone number, a little reminder of who I was and sent them off, into oblivion. Days passed, no call, no email, no nodda. I called the flower company, verified delivery, still nothing.

A few days passed, the holiday weekend, a few more days, I began to wonder if I should call her? I talked to my girl friend’s they said yes. My problem was, I felt that a phone call would have been ‘verifying my rejection’. “Hi, this is Anthony, I was just calling to verify my rejection, yes, okay, thank you. Could I use you as a reference later? No? Okay. Thank you. Good Bye.” ‘Confirmation of Rejection’ received. I figured, if she were interested, she would have done something. Hell, who doesn’t at least acknowledge they received flowers? Unicorns, that’s who!

The End.