Today, or rather last night, I decided to try my hand at writing my very own Craigs List ad. I figured, hell all those douche bags write em’, why can’t I give it a go. My goal is to attract the right type of woman, as such, much time, thought, and effort went into crafting the perfect dating ad, for the perfect woman to read, swoon, and become my Craigs List bride. Below is my finest example, this is Game at it highest caliber.

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Heroin is really really good, with that said, I don’t do drugs…anymore, not because I feel they are bad, only because I have shit to do and accomplish. A random drug test would hamper those plans. When I reach my goals, I plan to dive full bore into hookers and coke! Just fair warning. It’s a five year plan, if I can survive five years of hookers, strippers, coke and random pills, I will have outgrown it and can move on to the next self destructive activity, like religion.

I’m subtly manipulative and controlling, in a good way, the “When I control the world everyone will have cake and ice cream.” kinda way. Not the, “When I control the world, you will all bow to my greatness and your women will fellate me hourly.” kinda way. Although that last part sounds like it might be something I should look into adding to my long term plans. But I digress, I’m a giver, when it suits my needs or directly benefits me, brutally honest to a fault, not ‘Politician honest’, more like ‘Porn Star honest’, not to be confused with ‘Stripper honest’ which is liken to ‘Pope honesty’.

I’m particularly good in bed, exactly why you think I would be. Practice makes perfect, and I’m a firm believer in test driving before buying. I will not cheat, however I have in the past, consistently. I no longer feel the need to cheat, as I just don’t enter relationships unless I am positive I will not F23K any other women, you will have to be pretty spectacular for me to feel this way, extraordinary even. I will F23K you right, treat you like you’re the only one when we are together, and tell you the things you don’t want to hear but need to. As such, I will expect certain sexual acts, never demand. I will be upfront and forthright about my sexual needs and desires, if you feel that these particular acts are somehow beyond your pay grade, this is fine. Be aware, if you’re not meeting my needs, someone else is. In return, I will volunteer to participate in any and every sexual activity you may now or in the future desire, happily.

I have been paid to sleep with women, regularly. I have a framed hundred dollar bill on my wall, paid to me by my ex’s new man to F23K her so he could have a quiet night at home without her incessant nagging. Money well spent I believe. During my blurry years, I have slept with very very very large women, The Yetti, a midget, two physically handicapped women, and one mentally handicapped woman (probably the most unrestrained sex I will ever have), several models, strippers, a ‘happy ending’ massage therapist, sisters, cousins, a mother/daughter team, wives, girlfriends, one Mexican hooker, plus I dated a high end escort (which means expensive hooker) had my balls licked by a tranny (long story) and countless 3somes, 4somes one 6some, two Porn Stars on separate occasions, and found 4 of my ex’s in the porn industry after our relationship. I have F23ked or gotten a blow job from every woman in every circle of friends I have ever had. I use condoms, every time I have sex, I don’t care if you are on the pill, have no uterus, or where once a man and can’t biologically have children, I will be wearing a condom. End of discussion.

Every woman I have dated seriously, has fallen in love with me, almost to the point of stalking. I’m that good.

Short, in great shape, athletic, smart, funny, with a deep aversion to children.

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This concludes my ad. At this point I will tell you, I may have to take time away from my regularly scheduled life in order to give my full attention to all of the responses I expect to receive in the coming days. Wish me luck, my future Craigs List wife is just finishing her 7th Big Mac and mentally scaring a 5 year old for life, right now. MMMMMMMmmmmmmmm.

That’s it!
Anthony Dominguez
comedian.writer.lover…