I woke up this morning on my couch, I was having a dream that Alfie Numeric was my roommate, ‘Special K’ was my girlfriend, and me and Alfie had just moved in about 30 of our cousins. It was strange as hell, what does it mean? I’m confused, very confused.

About today’s blog, last night I was perusing Craigs list looking for some funny postings, and I decided to publish a few ads from the Women seeking men section with my replies below. Take notes, this is not how to find a man ladies. My responses are in red, the color of love…and blood.

1. Reply to: pers-491023287@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-27, 9:08AM PST
At least I am honest in this post…but I only had four hours of sleep today so forgive my questions or if it reads a bit off… but what does one do in this town if one wants more than just to survive?

I want to make it in tv, film, acting…but i need income -a so called day job as well cause I did not make it yet…and frankly I do not know how to start -go about it or ind my way in life…I even am making short films but somehow it does not all work…I make wwebsites -but I do not have college…I am talented and a bit eccentric…I need guidance -don’t know where to ind it – i am a bit lost or a lot! 1)What does one do if : parents are not a way to go like it seems for most people cause parents are far away in a different country and very poor and they never were around anyway…besides -father is dead… 2)I don’t want a rich boyriend.Cause the scenario is this -he has the cash he has control. 3)Nobody did ever teach me how to make money…I read books but that seems not to be enough 4)I am a woman(hard to imagine for you guys but it seems to be a problem in this town) 5)i am a beautiul woman (problem number two)and I do not want to be dependent on rich boyriend or work in adult industry or anything like that…have enough sense to know that some might suggest that cause frankly men like to treat females like MEAT -i consider it slavery -yes – that is right -I DO NOT WANT TO BE A SLAVE-so if there are any suggestions coming from examples on how people make it -let me know HELP! Basically how do i find my path before I drown in the world which is so cold ?

—–—————–My Response
Your gonna be honest huh, on CL, honest, hmmm, I’m intrigued, let me read more. Four hours of sleep…and maybe some crack too? Oh, great your and aspiring actress, awesome, and your lost in life, I’m am so amazed, most aspiring actress/models/porn stars are so confident and together. You make wwebsites, I want one of those, I have a website myself, but no wwebsite…please do go on. Did I read that right, you have daddy issues? You don’t want a rich boyfriend? Lies, all lies. I’m gonna take a stab in the dark and say that maybe you’ve had some abusive relationships…several quite possibly. Your beautiful, well that makes everything else okay! I would never treat a lady like meat, I treat them like poultry. See, now we’ve come to an impase, cause I was just telling myself, “Self, what you really need is a SLAVE!” and you know what , self was right. I do. My suggestion, stay away from the drugs, get some counseling and try being single for a decade or so.

This next one is pretty normal. Still…

2. Reply to: pers-490248075@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-26, 2:08PM PST
Are all the nice normal guys taken? I’m not looking for a prince charming. I’m looking for a down-to-earth, sweet, funny, honest, intelligent gentleman. But most of all I’m looking for a normal & decent guy. Someone who WON’T dump you by text message or email. Is that too much to ask?

So what am I looking for? Hopefully he’ll be anywhere from 25-33 years old, taller than me (I’m 5’6″), cute or handsome (I’m not that picky), funny, intelligent, & has at least a few of the same interests I do.

I am NOT looking for a booty call, or a one night stand, or a friends with benefits situation. I’m so sick of meeting pushy, oversexed guys who want to take things at lightning speed without us even getting to know each other.

As for me? I’m just a normal girl. I’m 28, Native American, pretty average build, & I work two jobs & go to school. I love to hang out, go to movies, shoot pool, have a beer, go to karaoke, get coffee, etc.

Want to know more? Just send me an email.

Sorry, but I won’t respond to emails without pictures. Shallow? Maybe. Honest? Definitely. And yes I’ll send my picture as well.

—————–My Response-
Yes, all of the nice normal guys are taken or they are on Eharmony. Jesus likes to keep them for himself. Prince Charming is gay, sorry to be the one to tell you this, but it’s true, he’s queer as a football bat. Okay, your getting pushy, demanding to be treated with respect? Are you kidding me? I can’t dump you by email or text message? That is just going to far, too far. What about by Candy Gram? I would like to take this moment to notify you that all guys are oversexed and want to take things ‘at lightning speed’ if they say they don’t they are gay and looking for a beard to fool friends and family. I’m cute and handsome, does that disualify me? You work two jobs and go to school, I’m not one to take advice from Tom Lykis, but, this bit of advice might just ring true. He says if a woman has more than one job and is still going to school after age 25, she is probably fugly, hence the need to be this self sufficient, or she has some serious financial/emotional problems. I’m just putting it out there…Uhm, when the F23K do you have time to go hang out or have a F23King beer? You have two jobs and school! How many kids do you have? You won’t respond to emails without pictures, yes, you are shallow. You do get points for acknowledging the fact. Thank you, come again.

This is actually a quality post.

3. Reply to: pers-489987258@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-26, 10:39AM PST
So I posted last week and got alot of flaky BS, in the end you can only email so much ,you still have to meet someone in person to see if you vibe as people. Some hide behind this computer and they sound good online. And I got some sweet emails as well. Thank you hope everyone had a good holiday. So pay close attention

DO NOT EMAIL ME IF:
you wanna be my suger daddy, I have a job
you go tanning
you’re older then 32
you’re a racist With a head shot you’re fat you post an add 5 times everyday
and do not email me pictures of your d*ck, you make men look bad

I’m a sweet sassy coco leo. 130 pounds 5’8, I’v traveled outside the US, I love myself and others. I’m happy chill open minded, independent I dont need to know where you are at every second of everyday promise, funny to most, I can cook, I read books, I like clubs and camping, art, bjork, i’m a paradox.

I’m looking for someone who is european, earthy, confident and humble, northern cali, artistic, business man, east coast, aware, real, funny, simple, fit
any of that, or close to it
So think about it, let me know why we should hang out or what caught your attention besides my a**……
email me back with a picture

ps I definetly look better in person so keep it new and fresh.

————-My Response
You got a lot of flaky BS, on CL, NOOOOOOOO! People hide behind a computer, but couldn’t you see them if they were, oh you mean figuratively. I get it. Never mind. Your list of Do Not Email If’s caught my attention. I think we are on the same page. I do not want to be your sugar daddy, I want to be your Gold Digger, I do not tan, I spray. I am under 32, with a fake ID, I’m not racist, I have some head shots…I don’t post at all. I will not email you pictures of my d1ck…again. Sorry about the first 40. I’m not trying to be picky, but could you learn how to use a comma? A period maybe? I’m glad you clarified that you read books, as opposed to reading, say trees. What is a paradox? Is that some new sexual position? I hope so, it sounds great. Paradox me! I got confused when you listed who you were looking for. Uhm, European, Northern Cali and East Coast? An Earthy Business man? Humble? I don’t think that these traits match up so well. Well, I’m Southern Cali, with an east coast attitude, Cocky, F23k Earth, all about my Business and that about sums it up. Ps. my d1ck looks better in person, I keep it new and fresh.

I figured this was good post, cause I’m exactly the opposite of what she’s lookig for.

4. Reply to: pers-489568237@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-25, 11:52PM PST

I’m looking for a guy I can get to know better at my own pace. I want a nice guy who doesn’t curse alot. (I grew up in a religious family). Preferebly a non smoker who takes care of himself. I’m very energetic and enjoy doing physical activites like aerobics and Tai Bo.

If you wanna know more hit me up.. and include at least one photo if you can. If you seem ok i’ll hit you back.

————————My Response
F23King ay! I read your post, and I think I’m the sh!t your looking for, I’m into God and all that sh!t too! I love to F23K missionary style, you know for Jesus. I like to take it slow if you know what I mean! I hate to just meet and F23K! I mean, love me for me, not for my humongous, God given kidney wrecker. I love that Tai Bo sh!t, that Billy Blanks, he’s one sexay motherF23Ker! I’m not gay, cause Jesus doesn’t like that sh!t, but he’s sexay. Jesus is one fine motherF23Ker too, don’t get me wrong. I got all kinds of energy, natural and otherwise, gotta test the product. Well, I gotta say, I think your the perfect gurl for me, do you wanna be by b!tch or what? I sent you a picture of my cock, it’s the one with Jesus tattooed on it, see my pubes make the thorned crown…

————–Sad, is all I can say about this one.

5. Reply to: pers-492391089@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-28, 12:46PM PST
I’m a middle eastern female, 26, 5’5 brown hair/eyes, attractive, intelligent, fun, exciting, and open to new ideas!

But, My bday party is on Friday and I dont have a date (the horor!)

I am looking for a nice looking, 25-38 yr old guy, who is smart, can hold a conversation, mature, is comfortable with people and will make conversation with them even though its the first time they meet! We are going to dinner at a middle eastern restaurant and then out for dancing and drinks after (it would be nice if you paid for both of our dinners..lol)

This must be kept very discreet, no mention of craigslist allowed!

If you are intrested email me a pic and a little about yourself! Please be avaliable to meet for a cup of coffee tommorow evening!

I am open to becoming friends or maybe more if we click!

Thanks!

————–My Response
I love middle eastern gurls, they are damn sexay, plus they usually believe in another god, so I can make fun of ours without getting slapped, you should see my tattoo. You sure are open to new ideas, looking for your birthday date on CL. Somebody wants to get laid! Birthday sex for the Middle Eastern gurl! Okay, the part about me paying makes you seem like a prostitute, don’t get me wrong, I’m turned on by prostitutes. I like the secrecy, the forbidden fruit if you will. I will not mention CL, of anyone asks, I bought you from a shady looking guy with a lisp. Oh, we’ll click, WE WILL CLICK!

This ends my attempt at love for today. Hope you enjoyed, and learned a lil.

 

That’s IT!

Anthony Dominguez
comedian.writer.lover…