Current mood: hotter, way hotter

Today, I’m gonna do a little public service announcement. I feel it’s my obligation to enlighten some of the young bucks just starting out in this game. I myself have spent years and years in the trenches. Experiencing every conceivable atrocity womankind has to offer. So it’s only fair to share this hard gained experience and pass on some of the finer things I have learned from repeated trial and error. Read ERROR a few times just to get an accurate idea on my road to relationship bliss.

It seems men have forgotten or perhaps never been taught some of the basics of dating life. First and foremost, there are 3 little words you must have in your arsenal. Trust me, women have them in theirs( just replace hotter with bigger and you get the idea). And now, The 3 most liberating words a man can speak. ‘I’ve F23Ked hotter’. Are you with me guys? Can you feel the power emanating from this phrase, it’s like the harnessed power of the cosmos at your fingertips. Quick caveat, this in not a phrase to be uttered lightly, or in anger. It is not a phrase used to beat a woman over the head like cavemen did with clubs. It is a phrase used to liberate you as a man. It is there to confirm what you already know, you are a good catch, and despite how the woman in front of you is treating you, you have at some point in your life enjoyed the comforts of a woman hotter than this one. With that knowledge, you can stand tall, use your regained confidence to either eject and find a worthy woman, or show the one in front of you that we are all on the same level and you may just be the one for her.

With the confidence lesson finished, it’s time to move onto what I like to refer to as the ‘look, listen and learn’ technique.  One should always use their powers of observation when in a social setting, there are subtle clues about the people in the room which could come in handy later. Here is an example. If a woman tells you, “I know every bartender in this town and the next town over, I don’t ever pay for drinks.” Your first reaction might be to think that she is an accomplished drinker and adept at networking, which will help you also drink for free should you two happen to hang out in the near future. In reality, what she is saying is “I drink for free in 75% of the local bars because I F34K the bartenders.” She’s not drinking free because of her sparkling personality, that is payment for services rendered. As such, you will most likely not drink for free when in her presence, in fact you may be forced to pay double to make up for her difference. Example two, a variation of example one.  If you meet a woman who knows every bouncer in Hollywood and can get into any club free, what she’s telling you is… “I’ve blown half the bouncers in Hollywood.” These examples by no means say to you ‘we can’t kick it’, they just mean you might not want to be kissing her.

The above examples are taken from my real life adventures in the dating world. In each example, all of the information is completely accurate and true. I meet some class acts don’t I? Be sure to check back for more of my battle earned advice.

That’s it!
Anthony Anderson
comedian.writer.lover…